So…this arrived in the mailbox here this week:

‘We received 15 quotes in response to our advertisement, 14 of which offered proposals which more than adequately met our brief. I regret to advise that, on this occasion, your bid was not successful, regrettably it was one of the more expensive quotes received.

We did not select the cheapest quote as the proposal was not entirely satisfactory, however, it might be useful to you to know that your quote was more than 75% greater than that of the successful company.’

Which made me think I should pull my socks up and review strategy concerning joint ventures and proposals.

But then it is very windy outside, and if you travel anywhere on public transport, everyone is coughing and sniffling. So I decided instead to put mental energy into how to ensure I stay snuggly in the cowshed, which – although draughty – at least has an infinite supply of decent coffee.

These are 100% guaranteed tactics to ensure you do NOT get hired:

  • Keep in the sector you’ve always worked in and stay in a limited geographical location. Offer your services constantly to this sector,even though they’ve no money
  • Go to lots of purpose free networking events where everyone else – like you – is looking for work
  • Decide to ‘stick to the knitting’ and do what you’ve always done…even though everyone is wearing machine-produced jumpers these days…
  • Be constantly nice and effusive on social networking but bring no real substance to the party… people will be nice and effusive back… but they probably won’t hire you, unless they’re in recruitment for the Desperately Needy Cult. (of considerable membership )
  • Turn yourself into a human exclamation mark !!!. Writers call these marks ‘screamers’. Hired freelancers often have cool heads.( Note to self here: physician!!! – heal thyself)
  • Stick with subjects everyone else does: entrepreneurship, leadership, online marketingship…any sort of ship, really…Do not , ON ANY ACCOUNT, put interesting combinations together to grow your areas of expertise, or engage utterly and fully with a sector by going native and living there…
  • Do not learn anything. It hurts, all good learning. Why put yourself through the pain?
  • Live for the present. Do not trend-spot, or consider future demographics, or read your stars even
  • Believe you are entitled to work, credibility, respect… Doh. We’re not. You can just hang out with decent folks and hope for the best…

Right. Time to have another coffee and cook up another amazingly inflated proposal…

Naughty but nice!!!

By szcz

8 thoughts on “How Not To Get Hired As A Freelance”
  1. Forgive me my social media gushing, but i love this! hardheadedness added to @mrsmoti’s usual whimsey! whatever next?

    1. Yeah well… must be something to do with the people I hang out with *curls lip in poor impression of Marlon Brando* .Social contagion. Possibly the ‘how to be hard’ you tube video may come next…

    1. Been reading about Norway this week, where everyone goes home at 5, but there is higher productivity than the UK. Perhaps we should start a Scandi Punk movt…As ever, lovely to hear you here

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